Happy Birthday S-Rank Criminals!
by TheBigFatBear
Summary: Happy Birthday Akatsuki! A collection of oneshots focusing on each Akatsuki member during their birthdays. Starting with Hidan on his birthday of April Second.


**A/N: After a year of hiding under a rock, only reading fanfiction, I've decided to finally write one! Starting nice and easy, I've started a fic where each chapter focuses on one Akatsuki member during their birthdays. AGH! I'm late by 9 days for Hidan's birthday. I started working on this on April 1st and this is such a simple oneshot but I wasn't able to finish it still. Tears...out my eyes...making a stream.**

**(Please take it easy on me, I am an amateur writer and this is just my first attempt.) **

**Summary: Happy birthday S-rank criminals! A collection of one-shots focusing on one member of the Akatsuki during their birthday. Starting with Hidan who's birthday is April Second.**

**Disclaimer: Would I be writing fanfiction if I owned Naruto? No. I would be killing off Sakura Haruno in canon and making the Akatsuki live and the rule the world (with their awesome pimp hats...)**

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**_- H_i_d_a_n-_**

**April Second **

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Magenta eyes rolled under dirt covered eyelids in thriving annoyance. The couple above the ground was no different from the others. The couple above closed their arms around each other in a so called passionate and beautiful embrace, intertwining their fingers together.

Murmuring as an early spring breeze blew, their voices barely audible to the body-less man underground, "I love you forever," the two above had said. The hugging couple promised each other such cheesy and over used lines that covered the lies that had sprouted at the core. "Our thread of love will never break..." The couple continued. The man underground let out a slight snort. He gave the couple above a week before their stupid thread of love would break and be shred into pieces. If that didn't happen, the man underground swore that himself would cut their thread of love.

It has been 500 years since Shikamaru defeated Hidan and buried him underground. Hidan didn't want to admit it but after many terribly long years, he just wanted to die and finally reach the after life. 500 years have tired out on our former Akatsuki member, his ego has shrunk and his belief in Jashin has lowered to a pea size but he still had his noisy personality. Hidan was gradually dying from starvation, and gradually was very very very slow. It had been 500 years for Jashin's sake!

The ninja era had finished many years ago and the Nara clan had died off already. Hidan suspected jutsus and the use of chakra didn't even exist anymore.

"Happy Birthday, my darling!" The man above said to his counterpart, tackling her in a romantic kiss. That certain sentence caught Hidan's attention. The place where Hidan was buried was a famous place for couples. There was a legend about a so called angel of love that would speak to the couple if they celebrated one of their birthdays there.

Do you know who was the angel of love? Yes. Good. Because it's Hidan.

One thing previous couples forgot to mention (they were mentally scarred and threatened to not say anything) was that the kind and compassionate "Angel of Love" had a colorful vocabulary that would make sailors blush, was decapitated, and a former criminal. Hidan was a lovely angel of love. His advice to each couple: Cursing them out until one of them screamed.

"Honey! How'd you know it was my birthday?"

"I would never forget your birthday! April Second is one of the best days of my life because I get to be there for you as you grow."

"Honey, you're so sweet!"

Hidan was about to scare the crap out of the two when the date registered in his head. It was April Second. It was _his_ birthday. Hidan had almost forgot.

After 522 years of being alone and under the dirt, you got lonely. Hidan had to wonder when was the last time someone had actually greeted him.

No one had.

No one had respected him.

No one had liked him.

No one thought he was smart.

No one loved him.

No one not even Jashin was there for him.

For 522 years, he was still alone.

Hidan felt the foreign feeling of sadness and emptiness flutter through his head. He was used to physical pain and loved it but emotional pain was a bitch in the ass. When he reflected on his life, it was a truly empty life full of bloodshed and fights. A stray thought bothered him _Why didn't I live a better life? _ Oh Jashin no Hidan did not regret his life. He didn't want to regret his life. His life ended already. It's done and over with though he was still alive and that hurt him immensely.

_Why couldn't anyone just say Happy Birthday to me? _

Hidan let out a mental growl. Was he seriously being such a pansy and becoming sad over that no one liked him and said happy birthday to him? Was he seriously that much of a wuss?

"Fuck this!" Hidan shouted, small pieces of dirt brushing against his lips. The couple above was in a deep make out session when Hidan shouted. The couple froze in their kissing and looked around.

"Who said that honey?"

"Darling, I don't know..."

"Is anyone here?"

"YEAH BITCH, I'M IN YOUR FUCKING UGLY HAIR!" The female's jaw dropped and she quickly ran her fingers through her hair. "THAT'S RIGHT LIKE THE FUCKING COCK-SUCKING IDIOT YOU ARE, YOU THINK I'M ACTUALLY IN YOUR HAIR SNIFFING IT?! OH MY GOD IT SMELLS LIKE PINEAPPLES HA?!"

"SHOW YOURSELF!" The male shouted, standing protectively in front of his girlfriend.

"HEH? SHOW MYSELF? SURE IF YOU DON'T MIND DIGGING A FUCKING SEVERED HEAD FROM WHEN YOU'RE STANDING! THEN WHY NOT?!"

"What happened to the Angel of Love?" The female squealed, certainly not expecting this.

"ANGEL OF LOVE? BITCHY-CHAN, YOU MUST BE FUCKING WITH ME! YOU THINK THAT A MOTHERFUCKING ANGEL OF SCREWED LOVE EXISTS? I'M THE ANGEL OF-WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING? STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH, SLUT! I'M NOT AN ANGEL, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD! I'M A S-RANK CRIMINAL, CUNTS!"

"Criminal! We'll call 911!"

"GO AHEAD! I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS IN A BAG! YEAH, CALL THEM FOR THE SHITS AND GIGGLES! EITHER WAY I'LL STILL BE WITH YOU!" Hidan laughed maniacally, his strange sadness going way as he knew the couple above were nearly going to piss their pants.

"Are you a ghost?!" The female shuddered, hugging her boyfriend and slowly moving to the exit of the park.

"GHOST! MISS WHORE, YOU ARE A TOTAL FUCKING RETARD. THE HELL A GHOST AND AN ANGEL? DID YOU FALL DOWN THE CLIFF SIDE WHEN I WASN'T GIVE YOU ANY SHITTING ATTENTION? EVEN A DISGUSTING MONKEY THAT EATS BANANAS ALL DAY LIKE OO AH OO AH IS SMARTER THAN YOU!"

"We're calling the police!" The male quickly got out his phone and unlocked it. Hidan's voice dropped to a menacing low tone.

"Are you sure you want to fucking risk calling the shitty police? I promise you if you dare dial it, I will kill you by ripping out your slimy eyeballs and shoving it up your ass and taking your nails and making you swallow the damn things. I dare you, you weak pussy." Hidan malice laced tone sent shivers of fear and terror down the couple's spines.

"W-w-wha-?"

"Feel free to piss your pants and run, fags! Don't fucking piss on me though. I'll. Kill. You." Hidan grinned when he heard a "LET'S GO!" drift from above and the shuffling of footsteps.

Hidan laughed a cruel humorless laugh when he realized the couple was gone which was unlike him. He loved scaring the crap out of people since he couldn't inflict any physical damage to them. Even as amusing as it was, Hidan couldn't help but feel another pang of sadness hit him.

They had a life. They had a chance. They were loved. Their road was not over yet. Hidan would never admit it out loud but looking back on his life, it was all a waste. The Akatsuki, the stupid money-fucker Kakuzu, the pineapple deer head Shika-shitting-maru, and the god who had abandoned him, the most faithful follower, Jashin.

Hidan let a smile crawl up his features as he closed his eyes.

"Happy fucking birthday to me."

_Sorry. _

He was gone.

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**News: April 3rd 2013 **

**SEVERED HEAD FOUND UNDER *INSERT LOCATION* **

**COUPLES CLAIM THEY HAD HEARD THE BURIED MAN SPEAK! POLICE ARE INVESTIGATING THE DEAD BODY! WHAT IS THIS MYSTERIOUS DEATH? **

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**A/N: Throughout the whole chapter, I went "Hidan I love you...your just like um fifth to Deidara...haha...OH LOOK IT'S SHIKA!" If you are reading this message, I assume you have read my Hidan oneshot. Thank you very much. Much love to those who have read and will hopefully review. Haha, I'm not forcing you.**

**Oh my frogs, I feel so dirty writing so many curse words. I hate cursing. I truly do..T.T**

** Have a nice day/night, everyone! **


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